just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
