it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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