Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
