My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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