Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
