shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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