im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
