just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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