I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
