Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.