They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
im six kinds of drunk right now
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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