I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
