My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i will never coherently bang her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
