he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
