New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
