So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Even my vagina gasped.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
