totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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