i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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