When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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