Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
