Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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