U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I can text with my tongue
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.