She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You took a bar mat shot.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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