If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
