Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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