We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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