Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
