Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
