Someone shit on the floor
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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