Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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