I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
