new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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