i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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