my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
