the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
