she was so not down for the gang bang
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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