Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Randomize
