My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
