but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
barbara walters just said penis...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
