i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
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Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
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I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
How does one acquire holy water?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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