When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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