i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
