Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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