Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
