What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
