Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
