I didn't shave. On purpose
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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