Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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