I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
