Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
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i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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