I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
