We're like a lot better than the average bears
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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