ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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