Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
