Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
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He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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