Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
