Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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