How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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