My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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