he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
