There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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