I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
