So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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