I think my fart just growled at me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
