I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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